Waves Of Wangst: The Ultimate Crossover!
by adversary2113
Summary: The Vulutry are bankrupt and need their stash from the 29Downers island. Starring the 29Downers,and the casts of Twilight,Degrassi and High School Musical. And a troll from this site!parody.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: WE OWN NOTHING!

A cooperative effort of Adversary2113 and MarkM57 -so flame us Both!

Yeah, it's parody to the max!

We'll move it to Crossovers Eventually!

Waves Of Wangst: The Ultimate Crossover

Featuring: The combined casts of The Twilight Saga , Flight 29 Down, Degrassi and High School Musical.

PROLOGUE

The Vultury Roost, Vulterra , Italy

Aro sat on the throne, concentrating mightily, a thunderous scowl on his vulpine face as he read the stock report. And when he finished killing time there, he got up and went into the Grand Hal, sitting upon that throne.

Caius: whispering to Marcus: " I've never understood why he reads the newspaper in the bathroom. I swear he acts more like Al Bundy than Aro, the Vulutry leader!"

Marcus: " I know what you mean, plus, he always manages to drip blood on the sports section. I've told him time after time, no eating on the porcelin throne, but does he listen. No, It's always , I'm the BOSS applesauce. I'm so going to kill Carlisle Cullen for getting him hooked on Judge Judy!"

Aro sits there, mumbling , " Economy. Grr, Obama! Dammit, GMC and Chrysler too! Arr, I wish the world had only one neck so I could bite it NOW!!!"

Renata, the bodyguard flinches and grovel, " Master, whatever is wrong?"

Aro arises, his crimson cloak flowing around him and he rants and raves: " That's the last time I EVER TAKE STOCK TIPS FROM THE DONALD! Caius, send a couple of newborns to play with Trump's hairdresser! That'll show him I mean business! Curses, we're ruined. At the rate the world economy's failing, we won't have a pot to pee in!"

Renata, confused, " I haven't peed since 1721!"

Caius, smirking, : " You must be ready to burst."

Aro: " I don't need comedians, I need money! The Pope's threatening to invite the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Vatican singers here to "serenade " us if we don't pay off the loan he gave us! And you know what that means!"

Renata, licking her lips: " Supper's coming early?"

Aro throws the chair at her. He has a satisfied look when it bounces off her head, leaving a small bump there as it explodes into a billion pieces. " Idiot! The Pope is first cousin to the head of the Mob , the son of the head of the Illuminati , knows the secret of the DaVinci code and his twin brother is the biggest pornographer in the world. We literally can't afford to NOT pay him off. It'll ruin our credit ratings! "

Caius: " It must be hell figuring out what he means when he tells his followers he wants them to rub someone out."

Aro" You are so lucky the other throne's in the john!"

Marcus, a thoughtful look on his face: " Wait, I was thinking abut it the other day. What about the island we stashed the gold we stole from that old history teacher, you know the one with the whip and the stupid looking hat. Oh, what was his name? Oklahoma Bones, Ohio Stones, something like that."

Aro, looking hopeful, " Jones, wasn't it? I remember him, he was a tasty one, his idiot son too. The nosy old coot kept finding the damnedest , literally, of artifacts. We put them on that abandoned island near Palau. Hmm, " he rubs his chin theatrically, "It might be enough. I'll send you two and a few other to help. You can use the older jet, it's paid for. And contact that idiot pilot you're so fond of. He can secure it for us.

Marcus: Uh oh. There is one potential problem, your Unholiness. What about the treaty with the troll there?" He had a nervous look on his face. Trolls are apparently bad news, even to vampires

" Damn Josefina! Tell you hat, give her laptop with a wireless card and the web address to some site like fan fiction. She can go online and make people miserable. She'll be great at that. Now go, get the gold! I've got to call my broker before Ford goes out of business too!" he hops up and disappears leaving the three of them standing there.

Next: The fun really begins.


	2. Chapter 2

Waves Of Wangst : The Ultimate Crossover!

Chapter One: Alice has A Vision!

The place: Second Beach, La Tush, just outside of the Quaalude reservation. It's overcast and raining slightly, in other words, a usual day here.

Renesmee " Nessie" Cullen, a beautiful, slightly curly haired seven year old looking child is on the beach, throwing large logs into the water with a gigantic six foot, eight inch Jacob Black, a Quaalude Indian playing fetch.

Nessie, throwing a eight hundred pound log a couple of dozen yards out: Fetch Jake!"

Jake, moaning, " Dammit kid, I'm down to my last pair of skin tight blue jean cutoffs and the last time I went in native, your grampa Charlie busted me for indecent exposure. And I was a wolf at the time!"

Nessie, giggling: " Pedo Wolf! That's his nickname for you. And don't forget, he gave Mom and Dad a ticket for me not obeying the leash law too."

Jacob howls , still in human form: "Arrooo! I hate being called that!" Starts shaking like he's having a epileptic seizure , or maybe one too many Quaaludes, his tribes main export. Russet fur erupts from him and badda bing badda boom, a 1500 pound wolf is sitting there now, tongue hanging out, ruefully looking at his destroyed clothes.

Nessie, to herself," This is almost too easy sometimes. Ok Jake, fetch!" hurls a baby redwood into the deep water. Poor Jacob is helpless to resist. Swims out after it as a incredibly voluptuous blonde and a six foot 5 black haired man with a bodybuilder's build walk up to her as the wolf growls at them, over his shoulders. Both are pale skinned, like Nessie.

Rosalie: " Remember mongrel, when you go under, take a deep breath after you're in, not before!" Apparently, there's no love lost there.

Emmet, to Nessie, " C'mon short stuff. Alice had had another one of her visions and wants us and the werewolves to go up to the house. She says"

All three together in gloom and doom tones: " It's serious and it effects us all!"

Nessie:" She says that every time Jake pees on the Style magazines . Or the GQ."

Emmet; " At least he leaves my Hustlers and Fangorias alone."

Rose: " Damn mutt. Nessie, if he hikes his leg on my bedroom door one more time, I'm going to castrate him."

Emmet, consoling Rosalie,: " At least he turned into a wolf before he did it this time. Man , his pee stinks even worse when he's human!"

Rose, on a tirade now, ignoring the rolling eyes they give her: "Why did you have to be imprinted by him? Even that skinny kid, Seth, would have been better; him, we might be able to housebreak!. Hell, I would have bought you a borzoi or a wolfhound, but no, the damn pedowolf had to come scratching at our door…" she continues on, ignoring the muffled howl at the pedowolf comment.

Jake comes up, still a wolf, dragging the twenty foot tree . He whines at Nessie, who giggles, reaching into her bag of toys and throws a pretty pink sundress to him. The wolf walks over behind the tree stump and a moment later, Jacob comes out from around it. The dress is wound around him.

Jake, scowling at Rose: " I see you packed her bag again, you bat."

Rose, attempting a innocent look while Emmet snickers, " Who, me? Sorry mongrel, I'm above such petty things."

Jake, muttering: "Ok, next time, I poop in front of the bedroom door. After I eat three or four dozen skunks." Cheered up by the happy thought, he asks Emmet, the easier to deal with by far the question: " What's going on?"

Emmet, a sour look on his face:" Alice."

Jake : " Oh man, now what? I swear , I didn't use her magazines this time. I gave Edwards tuxedo a bath instead." he has , well, a wolfish grin at the cheerful admission. Emmet laughs.

" Great minds think alike. I dunked his piano in the Spoons sewage treatment place this morning. Let's see him play that irritating lullabye now!" he trades high fives. They all join in, even Nessie.

Nessie: " Well, we had better see what Alice is seeing now." She looks at Jacob and lick her lips. " Um, I'm getting my cravings Jacob. You know what that means."

Rose, revolted: " You two are so , so, eww!"

Nessie, imperiously, " Jacob, there's your cue if I ever heard it."

Jacob, spreading his arms wide and sticking his tongue out at Rosalie, fulfilling the dream of deviants worldwide with their personal catchphrase " Suck me kid!"

Nessie springs into his arms, biting his neck and slurping noisily.

Rose: " PEDOWOLF! PEDOWOLF! PEDOWOLF!"

Jacob growls even as he slumps to the ground. After a moment, Nessie hops off and belches loudly. She daintily wipes blood from her bottom lip as she skip out to Emmet's hummer in the parking lot. Rosalie is holding her hand. Emmet has Jacob slung over a shoulder as he carries him to the waiting car.

The Cullen Home

Esme, furious :" Throw that stinking piano out of my house this instant Edward Cullen." She's ignored, as usual.

Edward and Bella are standing there, mooning at one another.

Bella: you're the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I love you. I would die for you…"

Jasper, from his perch in the corner, " Already did that, idiot."

Bella: " You are the wind beneath my wings, my one true love, the most perfect being in all of creation and I couldn't survive without you…"

Edward, blithering as well:" You need say nothing, for I see in your thoughts how much you love me and I love you twice as much as you love me, for ours is a fragile, delicate love , a love that will survive the ages, untouched and unsullied by petty jealousies…"

Emse is pretending to decapitate herself by this point. Jasper has his head in the oven door. Carlisle is in the doorway, jabbing a hypo into his ear. In the yard, four werewolves are on their stomachs, rolling and howling as the two love struck vampires continue telling each other how wonderful they are until Emmet pull up in the Hummer, blaring the horn.

A few moments later, they are gathered around the dining room table. The vamps are all in designer clothes. The werewolves are in shorts and white tees, except for Jake, who has a pair of black sweatpants on. He's still pale from Nessie's snacking on him.

Alice comes gliding in. She's gasping and holding her head dramatically, ie, being a pain in the ass as usual.

Alice, portentously:" I have seen a vision…"

Rosalie, glaring at the werewolves:" It better be a two for one spay and neuter special at the vets."

Leah, the female werewolf hisses sotto voice;' And I thought I was a bitch."

Alice harumphs loudly. When she has their attention, she starts to speak again, only to have a new interruption.

Edward: " Bella, I'm so in love with you, I fell I must sing.." begins singing in an off key voice about who glorious Bella is. Alice, obviously having seen this happening, nods to Emmet, who grins and pulls out a 50 pound sledgehammer and smacks Edward three feet into the floor with it. He's still singing, so Emmet hits his head three more times. It finally goes quiet. Alice smiles.

Jasper; " I so wanted to do that."

Alice nods to Emmet, who pounds Jasper a couple of times in the groin with it.

Jasper, in a high pitched squeek, "All you had to do was shush me." Goes quiet as Emmet smacks him again.

Alice: " If there are no further interruptions?" She look meaningfully around the table as Emmet grins, tapping his hand with the head of the sledge. " Fine. I saw a vision of the Vulturi on an island in the South Pacific. I also saw a vision of several dozen teens stranded there and us as well, even the wolf pack. And I saw Aro gaining control of an artifact from there that make us all his slaves."

Emmet:" I'm nobody's flunky!"

Roe:" Shut up you big dope or no hot vampire sex for ten years."

Emmet sits still as a statue, he knows from experience she's not bluffing!

Carlisle: " This is bad. Extremely bad."

Bella :" Thank you Captain Obvious. Now I see why you are our leader."

Edward: " Oh Bella, so young, so wise. Your voice, like an angel's."

Alice nods at Emmet, who swings and Edward ducks, the sledge hits Bella instead. Since she's the youngest and still the strongest, she grabs it and throws it at Emmet, who goes flying out through the wall.

Emmet, voice fading as he flies off into the trees at two hundred miles an hour plus: "Freaking awesome! OoooFF!" There's the unmistakable sound of a tree falling at he bounces off of it.

Esme, agast at the hole in the wall: " Immortal idiots!"

Jasper: " That's not so bad. There was the time she and Emmet did some S&M in the attic. It took three weeks to get the roof put back on."

Nessie: " What's S&M?"

Rose:" That's when a bunch of big , hairy, sweaty perverts use leashes, whips and collars on one another. Kind of like a werewolf prom."

All of the pack:" ARROO! SNARL!"

Jacob pipes up: The peroxide is starting to rot that dead brain of yours blondie."

Alice; " Focus! I have FORSEEN! We need to get to this island and stop this before it happens!"

Carlisle:" He' right. The one thing the Vultury don't need is more power."

Emmet climb in the hole, leaves in his hair and a grin on his broad, pale face;" Again!"

Bella hops up and slings him right back out.

Jasper, going to the hole :" Wow, nice arm Bella."

Jacob; " Good one Bells. How about seeing how far you can throw a blonde?" he wiggles his thick eyebrows and looks at Rosalie suggestively.

Carlisle: " I'll make the travel plans. The rest of you, fix the wall before Esme has a hissy."

Next: let's go visit the Wildcats, Degrassi and the Hartwell Academy!


	3. Chapter 3

Waves of Wangst

Chapter Two

A Gathering of Titans!

Los Angeles International Airport

Gavin " Spinner " Mason: "My God, do they ever find anything they _**don't **_do a song and dance routine over?!"

Holly J Sinclair, his current girlfriend, a red head with a hot temper and quick fuse, " What set this off this time?"

Spinner , shrugging, : " Apparently the male prima donna, Troy, saw his reflection and fell in love with it." He looks on where a incredibly good looking, slim young man named Troy Bolton is singing and dancing while singing about " The Perils of Looking Like A God in a world of Mortals".

Holly J: " How conceited can you get?! And we're going to be on a week long eco adventure with them?! I think most of that bunch would rather commit suicide with dull knives than stay away from mirrors and microphones for that long." By now, Troy has been joined in the song by his best friend, a wild haired Half white half African American name named Chad Danforth, who had been in the middle of some controversy earlier that day when they had met the group from the third group on the trip, the Hartwell Academy bunch.

Spinner: " I swear, Danforth and McQueen, "

Holly J: " McHugh"

Spinner:" Quiet bitchy, the man is speaking."

Holly J:" Keep it up and if testicle cancer doesn't get your balls, I will."

Spinner:' Promises, promises. You were so hot to lose your virginity to Blue, but I can't even get a blowjob. Anyhow, I swear McHugh and Danforth are twins separated at birth."

Holly J: " No kidding. And I wouldn't blow you if you were on your deathbed."

By now, airport security is tasing Troy and Chad, who are laying on the floor. Passersby are throwing change to the security guards and clapping.

A young threesome walks up, another half black, half white kid with glasses, a sturdily built young woman with wheat colored hair and glasses and a slim young man with a brown wool cap on.

Clare Edwards: " Mr. Mason, our plane is going to be boarding in just a few minutes and I can't find the Schlep!"

Spinner;' Dammit, he's probably drunk at the sports bar again! I had to pay his tab the last time!"

Holly J:" Quit whining, you stole his wedding ring and his cash."

Spinner:" Yeah, but you got his credit cards!"

Holly J: " Yeah, if I had known it was a Discover card, I'd have thrown it back! Who gives out a credit card with a 50 dollar limit?!"

Spinner;" Yeah, and it's not even fifty dollars American, It's Canadian!"

Connor, the smaller of the two boys visibly upset: " I can't find Peter, Blue, Riley , Anya, Sev , Alli or Mr. Del Rossi!"

Holly j:" Wouldn't it have been quicker to say who you could find?!"

Connor screams incoherently and then head butts her in the stomach.

Clare: " Oh no, not again! Mr. Mason, he can't help it, it's Asparagus Syndrome- if he doesn't eat asparagus five times daily, his self image suffers and he attacks at the least sign of criticism!"

Spinner; " Wonder why Holly J never mentioned having it too?"

Hilly J, groaning: " Who writes this crap?"

All, looking horrified" DON"T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL! They'll hit delete!"

They get back on topic.

Spinner: " Well, let's see. Marco's queer as a three dollar bill and Riley's in the closet, so I'll go check the men's room. K.C ( the boy with the cap), you go check with security, see if there's been a rash of condom thefts. If there has been, then we'll know what Sev and Anya are up to." Grins knowingly.

Holly J, rubbing her stomach: " Where's our other chaperone at ? The one with the brain?"

Spinner: " Paige ? She's still trying to get her mirror away from that Sharpay girl."

Paige, a formidable looking nineteen year old is wresting on the ground with a blonde, Sharpay over a silver mirror.

Spinner: " Man, those East School kids are obsessed with looking at themselves. It's like their Disney employees or something. At least the Hartwell bunch seems normal."+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Taylor:' Eric, if you "accidentally ' bump into my butt one more time, I'm going to tell security you need a cavity search and I don't mean your mouth!"

Eric:" Hey, it was an accident! That drunk principal, the Schmuck or whatever his name is, bumped into me!'

He points at the staggering drunk Schlep, who's staggering all over the terminal.

A tall, heavyset man with a green pineapple covered Hawaiian shirt belches as he walks by them, absently scratching his privates in public.

Taylor:' Why do they let homeless people in here?"

A stewardess speak to the man: " Well , how's our pilot today, Captain Russell?"

Taylor and Eric exchange terrified looks.

Taylor; " How do we get another plane?"

Eric: " The plane's safe, it's the pilot I'd replace!"

Thirty minutes later, thirty teens from three different schools were winging their way across the Pacific, unaware that events were unfolding that would change their lives forever!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The Agony of Aro!

Aro cries out mournfully, " No! Nobody touches my Monet! Oh, the shame of it all!"

Three burly repo men carry away a huge Monet painting as Aro stands there, s look of pain on his face.

Caius: " " That's not the worst of it; our check to the blood bank bounced and they're threatening to sue!"

Renata the bodyguard: " They wouldn't dare! We are the Vulturi, the most feared vampires in the world!"

Marcus: " Yes dear Renata, but don't forget, they have two things we need."

Renate : " And what would that be?"

Aro:" Skin that doesn't sparkle and the experimental artificial blood. It will make you pale, but you'll survive for a year on a single drop. Plus, it makes weak mined humans your puppets and children are drawn to you as well."

Caius: " Yes, but it does have two drawbacks: you tend to grab your crotch for no apparent reason and your face changes shape after prolonged use."

Renata: " Sounds bizarre. Why did the humans make something like that."

Aro: " We paid them to, of course. And we had the perfect test subject, until his own doctor killed him by accidental overdose."

Caius: " Poor Michael Jackson. He suffered so much so we vampires could live."

A Vulturi guard swoops in and hands a bundle of papers to Caius, bows and flees.

Aro, irritable, " What is it now?"

Caius, stalling: " Uh, well. It's definitely not the worst news we've had…"

Renata:" Speak!"

Marcus: " What's wrong now?"

Aro:" I'm not getting any younger! "

Caius:" It's an eviction notice. Oh, the powers getting cut off day after tomorrow too."

Aro, howling in rage: " We're going to be homeless! I knew I should have never taken a loan from the Corlione Family! Oh the shame of it all!"

Caius:" There's still hope. My pilot friend is supposed to contact me by tomorrow. He hit a small snag."

Aro, suspiciously, "What kind of a snag?"

Caius:" He had to substitute for another pilot and now he's stuck taking three dozen teenagers and their chaperones to Palau before he can go to the island for us."

Aro, thoughtfully:" What kind of teenager?"

Caius:" I think he said Canadian and American."

Renata:" Oh, I haven't had a Canuck in so long!" sighs wistfully.

Marcus:" We haven't been out to eat in so long. And I'm getting so tired of all this spicy Italian blood…"

Caius: " I agree. The last time we went out was when we met the newest Cullen child."

Three more repo men come in and start removing tapestries, rugs and basically everything that isn't nailed down. Renata grimaces as one walks by carrying the toilet.

Aro:" I'm not staying here with twenty vampires and a hundred slaves with no facilities. Let's hock what we have left and see if we can't go have a island retreat. Caius!"

Caius stands straight: " Yes Great One!"

Aro: " Contact your pilot friend and tell him to crash land on the island. Promise him whatever it takes to get him to do it. Oh, I've lusted for some teen blood since meeting that loathsome Swan wretch. "

Renata:" Oh, dibs on the Canadian bacon, uh kids!"

Marcus, licking his lips: " This is going to be so much fun. I haven't been on a Pacific islad since I found that lost woman pilot and her navigator, what was her name, Earhurt, Earnhardt."

Aro: " Let's get going before they find where we stashed our last Maserati!"

Next: All of our players make it to the island!


	5. Chapter 5

Waves of Wangst Chapter Four

Worlds Collide!

Guam International Airport

On board a rickety, ancient Lockheed Constellation, a large four engined plane made in the 1940's, the member of the Hartwell Academy, East High School, Degrassi Community School and the latest addition, a handful of slightly aloof Native Americans from the La Tush Reservation School are sitting, impatiently awaiting the signal to depart. As they have been here for several hours, they have made a few stabs at being friendly, more to relieve boredom than anything else. They are also excited because, aside from the Schlep, they have no true adult guardians. Spinner, Marco and Paige by this point have basically realized they are A. hopelessly outnumbered and B that the only other technical adult here is an idiot. So, they're down with whatever happens.

Melissa Wu, talking to herself:" Man, that Jackson guy is so hot, so mysterious. I bet he could use a friend and I think I'll be that friend, that port in a storm, the special one in his life. Hmm, Mrs. Melissa Jackson…"

She jumps as Troy suddenly begins dancing in his sleep in the seat across the isle from her. Spinner Mason pulls out a pair of brass knuckles and reaches up from the seat behind him and blasts him twice. The dancer twitches grotesquely , his tongue rolling out from the side of his head.

Spin:" I bet your ass won't dance for a while, you Disney like freak! Damn, is the East School a code name for some US government experimental research place or what?"

Nathan McHugh walks by, casually humming to himself. Spinner nearly hits him when Jackson grabs his arm.

" That one's ours. His clone or whatever is in the john, singing about the joys of taking a big load off or some silly shit." Then he knocks Nathan out with one shot.

Spinner, grinning:" Dude, you have a mean streak. I can appreciate that."

Jackson, a cold look on his face: " I can't stand all these rich little spoiled kids."

Spinner: " Man, it's like you're reading my mind."

From the seat behind Spinner, Marco and Paige begin a mock conversation loudly.

Marco: " Oh wow American Dude, you're as tough as I am."

Paige:" Yeah, we outta get together sometime and steal some candy from babies or roll yards or something really hood rat like together."

Marco: " When's the wedding Spinner?"

Spinner and Jackson both pull out identical hand crafted knives, even down to the duct tape on them.

Jackson:" Are you sure you're not American?"

Spinner:" Are you sure you're not Canadian?"

Jackson: " Dude, I've never said "eh" in my life!"

On the floor, Nathan moans. Jackson kicks him.

Jackson:" Like my dear sweet old grandmother said, never hit a man when he's down…"

Spinner:" Kick him! That's why God gave you feet! "

Six seat forward, Daley Marin is holding Connor up by the throat, bitch slapping him.

Daley: " And don't you ever pee on my brother's pant leg again , you little freak!"

Lex sneaks a punch in. His left pants leg has a long , wet streak on it. " All I said was you were wrong about Einsteins Theory of Relativity! You don't pee on people for disagreeing with you!"

"Let him alone!" Daley and Lex scream as Clare Edwards gives them a blast of mace from a keychain. A brawl promptly ensues until Clare misses and gives the Schlep a squirt.

Schlep, drunkenly, of course, " Ahh! What the flamin' Hell's going on! You damn brats! " He trips and falls on one of the Quaalude students, a husky 17 year old. Seth Clearwater, sent on the trip to keep him from going on the expedition with Jacob and the Cullen coven.

Seth stands up, growls menacingly.

Schelp , in terror: "Now see here, I'm a principal. A Canadian principal! I don't have to put up with a lot of bad attitude!"

Seth, grinning: "And I'm a native American Quaalude Indian, Schmuck,"

Schlep: " That's Schlep!"

Quill, who was snoozing, stands up. He's grown up some as well. They tower over the foggy headed Canadian and all Hell seems ready to break loose when Captain Russell's voice comes over the intercom.

Russell: " Hey, is this thing on?!" There is a blast of feedback and the sound of an electrical short hissing. " Oww, dammit, I guess it is; it's damn sure got juice to it, anyways!

Ok, we're cleared to launch, so everyone step on, uh, strap in! We'll be leaving in five minutes for sunny Palau. Our flight time is estimated at around 90 minutes. Oh and East High School student, absolutely no dancing or singing while we're in the air please!"

Eric McGorrill: " Maybe there is a God after all!"

Taylor :" Oh, they're not so bad. Gabriella is friendly and Ryan's so sweet."

Eric: " Yeah, he's sweet all right. " Snickers.

Taylor:" Eric, you homophobe!"

Eric , indigently, " I am so not a homophobe! I let him take a picture of me mooning the cops at LAX! Would I give a probably gay guy a freebie of my ass ?!"

Ryan, from behind, talking to Sharpay; " Yeah, I already posted his skinny tail all over Myspace, Twitter and Facebook. I'll teach some Yank to charge ME five dollars American to take a picture of his zit infested assets!"

Twenty minutes later, they are at 20,00 feet, in crowded skies.

Seven miles ahead:

The silver plane, slightly dinged at the side, sliced through the air. A huge gray vulture symbol. The Vulturyi 2 is winging it's way across the Pacific.

Twenty miles to the east, a private plane, the Swan Song, is flying along, somewhat less than sedately. Edward is flying. Bella is in the co-pilot's chair. Nessie and Jacob are in the front seats. The others are scattered about. All are in extreme agony. Edward is on verse 378 of " Why Bella loves me So," his latest odious ode to his beloved Bella, who is looking at him with adoring eyes.

Jake: " Arooo!!! God, don't vampires get laryngitis?!"

Emmet: " No, but we do get airsick, especially when Ed's in a singing mood! Carlisle, I need Dramamine!"

Rosalie: " God, lovesick vampires and mangy werewolves. What else can go wrong?"

Jasper, nudging Alice, " There's your cue!"

Alice jumps up hastily, " Uh, yeah. I FORSEE SOMETHING HORRIBLE!"

Jake: " Edward's gonna get a singing contract?"

Nessie: " Hold me Jacob, I'm scared!"

Esme: " Oh, the horror!"

Edward, nasily, " I could be the Next Tom Jones.

Or Dick Clark. Or Harry Connick junior."

Emmet: " I don't care if you're the next Tom, Dick or Harry!"

Jake: "Or Tom's hairy dick!"

Both : " Quit the damn singing!"

Bella: "You're all just jealous because Edward is so perfect, so beautiful, so talented.."

By this point, Jake has phased and a huge russet red wolf is rolling on his back, paws over his ears. Nessie, Esme, Emmet, Rosalie and Nessie are all doing the same.

Bella, sourly, " Damn music critics. I think you sing like an angel Edward."

Edward, " it's the thought that counts, and you are as beautiful as your own."

Carlisle steps forward, concern on his face. They are flying through some rough weather now.

Carlisle: " Are you certain we can go through this Edward?"

Edward, " How little faith you have in me Carlisle. It's my burden to always be second guessed. To be derided, denigrated, second guessed by those less godlike than I."

Carlisle, hastily, " Uh, carry on . No worries." The plane begins pitching and yawing as Edward blithers on.

" I remember the time I taught young Charles Lindburg how to fly."

Alice runs in" Edwards, look out for the lightning!"

Edward, " What lightning?" Too late, a golden bolt spears the plane and it begins to plummet.

Vultury 2

Felix: " Zounds! This storm , are you certain you can fly through it , dear Jane?"

Jane gives him a mean look. Her red eyes seem to pulse." Are you questioning me?!"

Felix screams and flops to the ground.

Renate: " You know, some Visine could do wonders for your eyes…"

Jane dishes out evil glare. Renata flops like a filleted flounder: "Arrgh!"

Vulturi 2 get blasted by lighting. An engine explodes. They spiral out of control

29 DWN(Yeah, it has the same call numbers even though it's a different sorta plane.

Russell, cackling: "Man , I've always wanted to crash land one of these . Whee-haww!!"

29 DWN swoops towards the ocean, nearly four miles below.

Schelp has the last word before three separate planes hit at different point of the small island below:

" Dammit, where's the cocktails on this plane?! I need a belt!"

And Spin and Jackson deliver one to either side of his head.

Next: Aro has a talk with the dreaded troll, Josefina!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Five

Our Villains Meet!

Deep in the Pacific water, a troll is sitting in a basement of an ancient Cold War era building dubbed the Hotel Tango. She is on a self made throne which looks suspiciously like a toilet seat with pink padding and lace added haphazardly to it. A large frame fills the seat, with muddy brown hair , a large bosom and a faint but definite trace of a five o clock shadow, even though it's only 9 a.m. This is the dreaded troll Josefina. She has a cigar in her wide mouth and a glowing new laptop in her rather wide lap. Her sallow face is lit up with glee as she hit Enter, sending a venomous flame to another hapless innocent on the site of her deepest, darkest obsession, FanFiction!

Cackling to herself in a croaking voice: " HEE HEE! Your writing is pedantic, pathetic and pretentious. You have dangling participles and left out a comma! You shall burn in Hell for all Eternity for those sins! Bwah HA HA!!!! Oh, how I love my new toy. Old Aro really came up with the perfect bribe for me!"

Suddenly, there is a coughing noise from outside the doorway . Josefina jumps to her cloven feet, snatching up her pale pink club in instant fury.

Josefina: "Fee Fie foe fum, come on in and get you some!"

In walks the Vulturi contigent, petite Jane in the lead, her red eyes glowing.

Josefina: " Well , well, hello there dear little Jane! Bit the head off of any children lately!"

Jane, in a cool tone, disgust at her surroundings plain on her delicate face: " What I had for breakfast isn't any of your concern troll! I see you have Master Aro's gift in your grubby paws. I take it you've agreed to release the treasure to us then?"

Josefina, cacking like a demented hen, " Tee Hee Hee! I haven't had this much fun tormenting people since I went on my cruise on the Titanic!" She picks up the laptop like a first time mother would her newborn child, caressing it. " Oh, the agony I can cause with a bad review; oh, it's almost as much fun as eating a priest!"

Felix, rolling his red eyes: " What a ham!"

Josefina, growling, " What was that?! What did you dare call me in my own lair?"

Renata, who had been pulling leaves out of her hair the entire time, nudges Felix in the ribs hard, whispering: " Quiet fool! We still need the troll to show us where the treasure is hidden! Besides, you couldn't even beat Edward Cullen in a fight; she's got twice the testosterone he had, judging from her beard and Adam's apple!"

Felix:" Fine! Do whatever the troll wants! " Walks off grumbling.

Jane: " Forgive my flunkies, er associates . We had a bad flight . Surely you heard us crash earlier?"

Felix, from a corner:' Why did we ever let her pilot the plane? Just because Marcus calls her a little bat it doesn't mean she can fly a jet! And now we're stranded here. It's game over man, game over!" Screams as Jane gives her patented EVIL GLARE OF AGONY.

Josefina , clapping:" That's the way! Teach that man a lesson!"

Jane stops, Felix lays on the floor, praying quietly for some Tylenol 3 and a pint or two of Type O negative.

Renate : " Why did I ever agree to ride with these idiots?"

Jane looks at her and it's just about screaming time again when a cheerful voice makes a profound announcement.

Laptop: " Ding! You've got mail!"

Josefina: " Hot diggity, I've got mail!" Scuttles back to her laptop. Sits on throne and begins reading as Jane and Renata trade disgusted expessions. Felix totters over to stand by them.

Josefina, scowling :" Well, Aro wants me to set my webcam up so he can talk to all of us at once. Are any of you bloodsuckers competent enough to help me do that?"

Renata: "Webcam" ? What is this "webcam"?

Josefina: " Well, obviously , you aren't getting near it!"

Felix, snootily: " I am a killer, not a technician! Do it your self , troll!"

Jane, sighing : " I'll help."

Josefina, dubiously :" You know about computers?"

Felix in an aside to Renata, : " Hoppe she's better with computers than with airplanes YARRGGGHH!!" Both flop to the floor as Jane give them the Double EVIL GLARE!

Jane, primly to Josefina, : I hate being criticized!"

Josefina, wide eyed, mumbles to self: "Must remember never to review her if she goes onto FanFiction." Louder: "Let's get to it. Aro was sort of snippy in that message."

A few minutes later, three vampires and a troll were gathered around the laptop, looking at a somewhat harried looking Aro. He's wearing a Burking King uniform and seem to be in a restroom stall with his own laptop.

Aro: " We have to hurry. I've only got five minutes left on my break and I can't afford to get docked any pay! I had to kill a insurance salesman to get this computer and had to go halves with Caius for the blood ! Report, my devoted follower!"

Jane: " All is going as planned my Master…"

Renata:" Until she crashed the plane! ARRGGHH!!" Enter EVIL GLARE!

Aro, furious: "YOU WRECKED MY PLANE! DAMMIT! I had to let the insurance lapse!"

Felix: " Master, what about the other plane?"

Aro: " We still have it, but now I have fifteen Vulturi and a hundred slaves flipping burgers in order to buy the fuel to get us to Guam! Oh, the cruel winds of fate!"

Josefina: " Aro, dear , sweet Aro, thank you so much for the laptop; I love it. But I'd love another date with you more! It's been what, seventy years since our weekend in Paris. Oh, I miss the taste of French babies!"

Jane and Renata snicker, Felix looks ready to hurl.

Aro, looking VERY uncomfortable: " Hello Josefina, my love. How are you?"

Josefina: "Oh, I'm all right. But I get so lonely here. Not much companionship just sitting here , guarding the treasures. Eating the odd passerby."

Jane, interrupting, to Aro's relief and Josefina's annoyance: " Master, we will safeguard the treasure with our lives."

Aro: " Damn straight you will! It's a miracle we managed to get to New Jersey! We even had to put the wives on street corners!"

Felix: " Surely not as prostitutes?!"

Aro: " Not dummy, to seduce the pimps! How do you think I got a reference to get my job here?"

Renata: " Oh my Master, how the mighty have fallen!"

Jane: " What is your command Master Aro?"

Aro: " Josefina, show them where the treasures are located. Then, they will gather it and bring it to your domicile for safe keeping until we get our paychecks, uh, gather our resources, and meet you there. Is that satisfactory to you?"

Josefina, drooling at the screen :" Only if we can reenact some scenes from the Blue Lagoon together when you get here, you cold blooded Italian Stallion you!"

Felix:" Creature from the Black Lagoon would be more like it! OOFFH!" Bounces off the far wall as a blindingly fast pink club hit him.

Josefina: " How dare you?! Aro and I are like Romeo and Juliet, Marc Anthony and Cleopatra, Fred Astaire and Ginger Roger, Brad and Angelina." Blithers on for severalk more seconds.

Aro, smarmily, " Dear Josefina, my love, ignore my subordinates. We'll be together again soon enough." There's a knocking at the stall door. Aro hops up. " I've got to go, it's time for the midnight rush. Remember, gather every single piece of treasure. The repo men are still hunting us and we're running out of places to hide! There are sixteen of us sharing a room at the Days Inn now!" The screen goes to black as he closes his own laptop lid.

Josefina, a dreamy expression on her face,: "Mrs. Josefina Aro. Has a noice ring to it , doesn't it?"

She ignores the looks on the three Vulturi faces.

Next: The school kids meet the Cullens! And the first fight! It's Leah Clearwater versus Esme Cullen! The prize? Captain Robert Russell!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Six

" Who the Hell Are you?!"

Emmet, pulling a tree branch from where it should NEVER be : " Damn if I ever get in a plane YOU try to fly again!"

Edward, steadily brushing bits of shredded vines off of his clothes: " I couldn't help it, I was just so dazzled by Bella's beauty I didn't notice the lightning until it was too late. Bella, where are you, my one true love? I haven't spoken to you in at least thirty seconds?"

Edward staggers as Bella jumps onto his back: "Oh Edward, I was afraid you had abandoned me again! That was the worst half minute of my life! Never leave me again!"

Jasper walks up, biting the head off of a parrot. He swallow the blood and belches, complaining: " You two are just so irritating. It's as bad as when I was in the Civil War and had to deal with Rhett Butler, always whining and moaning about that Scarlet or Violet or whatever her name was!"

Alice, a look of terror on her elf like face: "Oh no, not more Civil War stories!"

There's a sudden explosion of movement in the nearby jungle! A tree stump goes flying! A titanic russet red wolf flies after it! Nessie Cullen giggles and gives the irresistible command:

Nessie: " Fetch Jake!"

Jacob, phasing back and swiftly covering his assets up with a pair of shorts: " Nessie, give me a break for a few minutes, please!"

Nessie starts screaming: " You're abandoning me! Wahh wahh wahh!" Flops to the ground, hugging herself, screaming the entire time.

Rosalie, looking back and forth between Bella and Nessie : " You really are your mother's daughter kiddo."

Carlisle emerges from the bushes. He's dressed like an albino Crocodile Dundee. Esme is beside him, in a matching outfit.

Emmet: " Find anything Carlisle?"

Carlisle:" Actually, I think I may have. I told you I saw another contrail heading this way when Edward managed to crash."

Edward, nastily, : "I've already apologized for the accident, what do you want me to do , drop alive or something?!"

Bella : " You are perfect . I'm sure you meant to crash."

The other vampires look at her like she's fresh out of the asylum before continuing on.

Alice: " There's something very strange about this island. I can't see anything of the future here for some reason. It's almost as annoying as Bella's lullaby."

At the cue, Edward takes a breath and is on the verge of singing when Leah comes up, in a sports bra and shorts. She's visibly excited.

Leah : " I smell something strong on this island!"

Rosalie, to Emmet :" I told you skunk blood was a bad idea, but no, you had to go ahead and try it. Another bright idea from "Bearbait" Cullen!"

Emmet, grinning ruefully, " You gotta admit, it was spicy!"

Leah, going red faced from frustration, " I'm not talking about you bloodsuckers bizarre dietary problems, although, by the way, ferret has skunk bet any day of the week. I smell humans here and that's not all. I'm almost positive I know some of these scents and I'd bet my last bra one of them in Seth's scent. No mistaking the smell of a teen age werewolf."

Edward, glaring at Jacob, who is throwing Nessie forty or fifty feet into the air, in their version of catch, " So true. It's like a mix of sewage, semen and socks."

Jake growls , then falls down as Nessie lands on his head feet first.

Jake:" Ohh, my spleen!"

Nessie:' Again!"

Carlisle, ignoring the imprinted twosome, " Are you positive Leah? I thought they were going on a trip to Palau?"

Leah, " Apparently, they crashed too."

Jake, holding his side as he totters over:" That would be one hell of a coincidence. Plus, I meant to mention it earlier; I caught the scent of something earlier, it was old and very faint, so I didn't mention it."

Edward looks at Carlisle, then back at Jacob. "What did it smell like? I didn't smell anything unusual."

Jake, with a smart ass grin, " No offense Eds, but we werewolves literally smell better than you blood suckers. It was weird, like acid, lemon, pine sol and newspaper, all mixed together with estrogen. Whatever it was, it was female. If it had smelt better, I'd have thought it was a critic of some sort, but it smelt even worse."

Alice: " Something worse than a critic?! Jasper, hold me , I'm scared!"

They stand and discuss the situation for a few more moments, then, it happens! The winds change direction, blowing from the area Leah had just came from. Suddenly, twin expressions of rapturous delight cross Esme and Leah's faces!

Leah:" Oh My God! That' smell! It's incredible! It's making my mouth water and me feel waves of wangsty desire for no apparent reason!"

She's literally drooling as she speaks.

Esme, hissing at Carlisle and shoving him away as she sniffs that air. : It's the most succulent aroma I've ever encountered! Emeril didn't smell this good when I gave him a love bit last year! Oh, I have to have whatever that is now!"

A voice calls out to them.

" OWW!! Frickin' centipedes! Dammit, if I didn't have convenient amnesia, I'd swear I'd been on this island before! Hey, is anyone out here? Damn, the last thing I remember is waking up with a coconut by my feet and a knot on my head!"

Enter Captain Robert "Bob" Russell and the ugliest Hawaiian shirt ever made. Even the pineapples on it seem to have a five o clock shadow. He makes his usual impression.

Nessie, jumping up onto Jake back, " Eww! He smells like woolfie poo!"

Jake: " Hell no! If mine smelt that bad, I'd do like your Mommie did and jump off a cliff!"

Rosalie, confused, " What's a homeless guy doing on an island?"

Carlisle :" I've seen cadavers with better hygiene !"

Bella : " Hold me Edward!"

Edward: " Hold me Bella!"

Jasper , holding his nose :" I'm holding myself!"

Nessie, to Jasper, " Ohh, that's bad! Aunt Leah tells on Uncle Seth for doing the same thing!"

Jake starts laughing for no apparent reason at this point.

Russell looks over at them and suddenly, something happens that is unprecedented in the history of the universe as two females suddenly begin fighting over him.

Esme, diving for his throat: " Must have nasty blood! Need it BAD!"

Leah , in a horrified tone:" He is the new center of my universe and I must protect him, love him and have a litter by him! Let him alone vampire momma!"

She morphs into a silver furred shewolf and her and Esme begin fighting as Russell reacts!

Russell:" Too much for puny mind! Me go sleepy bye now!" Collapses.

Esme: " HISS! Time to put the dog to sleep!"

Leah growls back. Jake translates. " Bring it on bat breath!"

They roll and flop around on the jungle floor.

Emmet: " Five on the wolf girl!"

Rosalie:" I'll take that!"

Jasper: " Wow, what a pay per view this would make!"

Carlisle, trying to calm everyone down. : "Esme! Stop that! Leah may need her nose one day! Leah, Esme would just look wrong with no ears!"

Bella:" Look at what your fighting over! Is a homeless bum worth all of this agony?"

Edward: " Wait! I sense other minds approaching. Some must Canadian, judging from the ehs and bubs!"

By now Emmet and Alice have Esme and Jake and Jasper have Leah.

Nessie: " Wow, Granny Esme, you really know how to scrap! Aunt Leah's not so bad herself either!"

" Stop or I'll shoot!" come a familiar voice from the bushes.

Nathan McHugh, Troy Bolton, Cody Jackson and Spinner Mason come out of the jungle.

Nathan is holding a flare pistol, of all things at them.

Jackson, sotto voice: " I have a bad feeling about letting him hold the flare gun".

He's oblivious to the fact that one of the vampires is looking at him intently.

He becomes aware of pain one second later as Nessie Cullen sinks her fangs into his neck.

Jake: " Nessie, WTF?!"

Bella : " Nessie, no!"

Troy: " Do I get to sing?!"

Alice, her face suddenly bleak, gasps. : Oh no, I have FORSEEN disaster arising from this!" Scream and collapses!

Next: We go to the expanded Camp 29 Down and a new werewolf arises! An imprinting occurs! And our first complete song and dance number commences!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Seven

"Oh, My Ears!"

Jasper rushes over and picks up Alice. While he's doing that , Edward and Bella rush over and literally yank Nessie off of the fallen Cody Jackson. Nathan, brave with a flare gun in his hand, shoots at Nessie, misses, hits Rosalie.

In the face she is so very proud of. Obsessed over, to be perfectly honest.

Rosalie:" Oh, hell no you didn't!"

Emmet: "Oh hell yes, he did!" Grabs at Rosalie to keep her from literally ripping Nathan a new anal orifice, but is just a hair too slow. McHugh is flung 200 feet skywards. Rosalie rips up a tree.

Rosalie, ready to swing, "Batter up!"

Fortunately for the now unconscious Nathan, Emmet jumps up and field him. Unfortunately, an enraged Rosalie goes ahead and blasts Emmet right across the back. He and McHugh fly off at 600mph towards the ocean.

By this point, Troy is screaming hysterically and Spinner is pale faced and simply standing there while Carlisle tends to Jackson, a look of grave concern on his albino face.

Carlisle, to himself:" I don't understand, Nessie's not supposed to be venomous, but he's definitely gotten a fatal dose. " Shakes his head while he continues doctoring Jackson.

Nessie, struggling against her parents,: " Let me go! He smells so yummy!"

Edward, looking over Nessie's head to Bella, : " It's just like when I met you. She's found her own personal heroin!"

Jake, furious, literally foaming at the mouth, " Hey death breath, **I'm** her personal brand of heroin, not this skinny assed kid! Grr!" Starts shaking like he's just seen Dr. Phil and Oprah in a home made porno!

Meanwhile, with all the distractions, Esme and Leah and circling around the ko'd body of Robert Russell. Vulture are circling overhead as the two love struck women prepare for round two. Esme makes a dash forward only to be intercepted by a chocolate brown form that emerges from the jungle unexpectedly. Seth Clearwater has arrived!

Leah, having phased back , " Out of my way Seth! I'm about to rip Mommie dearest her apart for trying to kill my man!"

Seth , phasing back as Esme hisses and spits at them both, " What man?! What are you talking about Leah? There's no man here, other than that damn idiot pilot?"

Leah looks at him. Seth's jaw drops.

Seth:" Are you outta your freaking mind?! He's gotta be 45 if he's a day! Plus, have you **smelt **him?! God, he makes the Spoons sewage treatment place smell good. And that's were we werewolves go to poop at on patrol!"

Esme: " Need blood from stinky man , need it now!" Jumps at Russell. Leah phases and ding ding, the brawls back on!

Carlisle is there in an instant. He has Jackson slung over his back. This time, he grabs Esme and flings her as far away as he can. He grabs Russell and jets, while Jacob block her from pursuing.

Jacob gives her his patented ALPHA WOLF command: _Leah, leave that man alone for now! We have to get our selves back together. The psychic has passed out, which is supposed to be impossible for the bloodsuckers to do, Nessie has turned traitor to be for some street rat punk and you and Esme are fighting over Oscar the Grouches nastier big brother. Obviously, something's not right on this island!_

Edward, having "heard" the conversation, adds: " Jacob is right. This island is effecting all of us in strange and unusual ways. There is a great disturbance here."

Bella, looking lovingly at her husband, :" Oh Edward, you're so wise, so perfect."

Troy buts in, " She's right. You'd fit right in at East high School. Can you sing?" he asks hopefully. A huge , heavily muscled copper skinned Indian suddenly jumps from the bushes, knocking him unconscious with a single punch.

Quill:" Nuh uh! Nobody gets him singing if I can help it!" Looks around at the chaos around them. Emmet walks up with a grinning Nathan in his arms.

Nathan, to Emmet, " Thanks for saving my life. Wow, a Vegan vampire. Wait until I tell Abby; she'll gush for an hour."

Emmet: " Do you ever stop talking?! Man, you're annoying. Back off!' he snarls as Rosalie pick up a small boulder and takes aim at Nathan. Emmet hastily drop Nathan, who tries desperately to jump back into his protecting arms.

Rosalie: " Prepare to die!"

Nathan: " I am preparing; I just wet myself!"

Carlisle suddenly appears between the two of them. He actually has a slight flush to his face as he tells them ALL off!

Carlisle: " Enough is enough! Esme, Leah let that poor man alone for now, until we figure out what is going on! Edward, Bella, get Nessie under control. That boy will die if she bites him again. And we need to check on the others who crashed her as soon as possible. I caught the scent Jacob mentioned earlier and unlike him, I know what it is."

Jasper walks up , Alice stumbling alongside him, groaning.

Alice: "Oh, I haven't felt this bad since we caught that three eyed dear from the research center near Seattle!"

Jasper, consolingly: " You'll be fine. Let my soothing vibes relax you."

Troy:" I can sing for you! That usually makes people fell better. Or we can play basketball. Or both; I rock at doing both at one time!"

Rosalie, to Emmet: " He's kind of cute , in a really annoying way. Emmet, you promised a pet for me for my birthday next week…"

Emmet , looking at Troy dubiously, to say the least, :" I don't know, he's kinda light in the loafers, if you ask me. And he's a teenager. It's hard enough keeping Jacob's packmates away from our bedroom window; he'd be even worse."

Troy:" Hey, I'm not a pet!"

Suddenly, Gabriella's voice can be heard off in the distance.

Gabriella:" Troy Bolton, where are you! You better answer me if you know what's good for you! Will you please stop trying to cop a feel of my butt?!" she asks of someone unseen. There is a loud slapping noise.

"Hey, I can't help it if you butt keeps bumping my hands!:" comes the protest of Eric McGorrill.

Carlisle:" Perhaps it's best if we go and meet with them. The pilot claimed to have amnesia and this boy, " he glances down at Jackson, " he's about to have serious problems. Plus, we all need to hunt shortly."

Esme:" Carlisle, can I just take one little nip, please? He smells so darn good!"

Leah: " Touch him and die!"

Spinner: " pilot dude probably has that line written on his underwear!"

Jacob:" I like your style kid."

Nessie: " Jake, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but he smell so good. I'd even bite you to get at him."

Edward:" That's how I was from the moment I smelled your mother Nessie. You have to fight it. He may die."

Nessie:" Darn, I hate letting a meal go to waste."

Bella:" If your father could resist the urge to drink my blood, then you can do the same."

Quill, in an undertone:" Personally, I always hoped Cullen would kill her ."

Seth:" Or at least rip her vocal cords out so she wouldn't whine so much."

Jake:" You two are gonna feel my teeth on your asses if you don't quit trash talking Bella right in front of me!"

Nessie:" Hey, we keep having this discussion! You're MY man now, not Mom's !"

Russell, groggily from where he's lying in a heap:" UGH! You. And a ten year old kid. Werewolf hell! Pedowolf is more like it!"

Bella :" Oh shit!"

Seth:" Here we go again!"

Emmet:" This is gonna be interesting!"

Jake: " ARROO! I'm sick of being called that! You're going down like a two dollar hooker on the third of the month!" Phases and dives for Russell!

Onlyb to be caught by Edward and Emmet in midair!

Russell: " Ah!" Passes out again.

Edward:" Jake , calm down! You can't possibly care what he thinks! Bella and I only want you for Nessie!"

Bella: " Yeah Jake. We want you two to have a happy, healty relationship, just like ours!"

For some reason, half the group laughs for a moment. Seth flops on the ground and rolls, his tail wagging.

Jake relents, phasing back. Bella tosses him a pair of short from Nessie's backpack. They obviously are used to this sort of deal .

Moment later, they emerge at Camp 29 Down and stand there in horror at the scene, which seems to combine the more dubious aspects of the Muppet Show, Lord of the Flies and a certain school musical.

Carlisle , in stunned shock: " Dear God in Heaven, the Horror!"

Spinner, anger in his voice:" I'm gonna kill Marco and paige for this! They were supposed to keep them under control!"

Jasper:" I haven't seen anything like this since the Great Transvestite Vampire war of 1899!"

Nessie:" Looks cool to me."

Edward:" I fell a song coming on!"

Jake:" And on that note, I fell a dump coming on!" Runs back to the jungle, holding his stomach.

Ryan and Sharpey see the newcomers and the search party.

Ryan:" look, the studs are back and they brought company! Wow, check out the abs on the Natives! Is it hot here or what?" Fans himself dramtically.

Sharpey looks at Rosalie. Rosalie looks back. They both speak at once.

"WOW! You'rew almost as beautiful as I am!" comes from two mouths at once.

Eric, Gabriella, who's making sure his hands are away from her derriere, Daley, Lex and paige come rushing up. Suddenly, Eric stumbles and goes to a knee. Sweat erupts from his head. Ryan graons and suddenly does the same ting. It seems to get worse as the others approach, especially the Quaaludes.

Jake, back from his bathroom break, looks closely at Eric in particular. He goes to the skinny teen's side, concern on his face.

" Hey, aren't you Eric McGorrill" he asks.

Eric:" Uhhh. That's me Hey, I know you, from the family reunion last year. Aren't we some kind of distant cousins or something." He begin trembling violently.

Leah and Seth look at one another, then at Ryan and Sharpey, who has went to her brother's side.

Leah:' Speaking of family reunions, I know I've seen you two at one , three years ago, in LA."

Sharpey, snootily:" Oh, I remember you two. You were wearing clothes from kmart. Eww."

Sharpey goes flying into the bushes as Leah uppercuts her.

Ryan flip flops on the ground.

Suddenly, Eric and Ryan PHASE!

Two new wolves are there now.

Eric has suddenly become a smoke grey wolf, with a yellow streak down its back!

And Ryan has become a hot pink furred wolf!

Quill laughs hysterically, Seth lets out a high pitched giggle! Leah scowls thunderously!

Jake: " Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into !" Glares at Bella and Edward.

Jackson sceams in agony at that point, then, miraculously, hops to his feet.

His eyes are so red they glow. And his skin s[parkles in the sunlight now!

" Man, I could kill for some blood! And I think I will!"he declares. He turns and runs straight at the Schlep, who is staggering up drunkenly towards the group.

Schlep:' Stay back, I have a bottle!" Brandishes a empty tiny bottle of Jack Daniels at Jackson, who slaps it aside and goes for the drunkards throat!

Esme sees her chance and dives for Russel! Leah goes after her!

Eric looks at the oncoming Taylor Hagen and imprints on her. Taylor screams as the wolf jumps up and starts humping her leg!

Ryan jumps up and before you can spell horny homo starts hunching on Emmet's leg!

Emmet: " Dude, not even if I live to be a billion!" Punts Ryan into a coconut tree.

Sav, Anya , Cj , Claire and Connor come running up at the commotion and then, something mystical happens in the midst of the chaos.

They all begin to sing!

Edward, as he rushes to stop Esme: " No Esme , you can't do that, you don't know where he has been at!"

Esme: " Please Edward, let me at him; drinking deer blood isn't happening!"

Russell: " I am frightened of these women, think I should take up knitting!"

Leah: " You are mine now, don't you whine; we'll have a litter in no time!"

Spotlight shines on Troy!

Troy:" Somethings wrong here; I'm the star!" Fell as Spinner brains him with a coconut!

Spinner :' No cares who you are!"

Gabriella: " Troy is right; this is wrong!"

Edward: " Who the Hell wrote this awful song?!"

Nessie: " Jackson's blood was awful pleasing, but the Pedowolf, I'm still squeezing!"

Jake howls at the hated word!

Jake: " Pedowolf, that's what they say; maybe I should run away!"

Connor: " I don't know what's going on, but some stop, this damn song!"

Carlisle:" I don't know what to do; EWW, I just stepped in wolfie poo!"

Eric snickers, then yelps as Taylor maces his snout.

Taylor:" This can't be happening, I'm daddy's princess!"

Bella:" But now your on a werewolf's wish list!"

Jasper: " This reminds me of the time.."

Alice, dropkicking him: " Don't you do that, not one more time!"

Chad: " This is getting really silly!"

Nathan: " He sure can't rap like big Willy!"

And at that point, the wreck of Flight 29 Down explodes!

Next: Josefina and Jane go treasure hunting!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Eight

A Troll, A Vampire , A Map, A Treasure- A Disaster Waiting to Happen!

Meanwhile, in the Hotel Havoc, Josefina and Jane are gearing up to go treasure hunting.

Felix, whispering to the diminutive Jane, : "Are you certain this is the best course of action Jane? You alone with her? She is a rather formidable creature, according to Aro." Felix screams as the Evil Glare nails him!

Jane, smirking down at the colossal Felix, writhing on the crumbling floor : " I can handle myself dear Felix. Wouldn't you agree?"

Renata, grumbling : " He'd agree if you'd quite giving him the Cyclops treatment. AHH!"

Renata pays the price as Jane's EVIL GLARE catches her now.

Josefina, in a good mood anytime others are being tortured for no real reason, : " Janie girl, I have a feeling you and I are going to be friends when this is all over with. You have three things going for you," she says as she zips up her pink and white camo jumpsuit. Her muddy blonde hair is tied back into a ponytail with a bright pink bow.

Jane, in her more sensible green cargo pants and blouse looks up at the troll, a curious expression on her little vamp face, : " And what would that be, Josefina?"

Josefina, chuckling: " A killer power, a worse attitude and a genuine hatred of all forms of life! We could be sisters!"

Felix, climbing to his feet, " There's a happy thought. AKK!" Goes flying as the pink club of Josefina catches him in the forehead.

Renata, from the floor : " Man, it's just not safe to speak your mind around here." Flinches as Jane looks in her direction.

Jane: " I have no problem with you speaking your mind, as long as you obey my every command without question."

Renata: " Wow, don't demand much, do you?"

Jane leans forward, it's EVIL GLARE time!

Renata, desperately, " Fine, you're the boss , applesauce, like Aro says! Just quit zapping us every few seconds!"

Felix, staggering back up, a rather noticeable knot over his eyes, " Really, we're supposed to be on the same side here!"

Jane: " Fine, but while we're digging for treasure, you two need to scout this island! I've been catching faint whiffs of humans for the past couple of hours. And I've gone without fresh blood for too long now; it's making it harder and harder for my EVIL Glare to work!"

Renata: " Thank badness for small favors AAAHH!!" Zapped again!

Jane: " I said it made it difficult, not impossible , idiot."

Josefina walks up, putting a grubby pink gloved hand on Jane tiny shoulder, : " If you're done having fun, we need to get going. It's probably rain in a little while and I loathe rain."

Felix: " And soap too, from the smell." Goes flying again as the dreaded pink club swings! Ricochets off of two crumbling walls.

Jane sighs, then turns her attention back to the troll, : " Do you have your map, dear Josefina!"

Josefina smiles, showing all eight teeth, : " I certainly do, oh and by the way dear little Jane, it's written in trollish, so, " she wags a grubby finger in a chiding sort of way, " no EVIL GLARE will help you read it. Just on the oh-so-remote possibility you may be conspiring against me." Smiles again at Jane.

Who is standing there, eyes redder than usual at the unwelcome news. She clears her throat, then hasten to reassure her troll ally, : " Why Josefina, that's the last thing on my mind! We Vultury are renowned the world over for our kindness, our sense of justice."

Renata, to self, : " Our disastrous credit rating."

Felix: " Our over the top dialog , as well."

Josefina, shrugging her pink backpack on, : " Oh well, I guess I'll just have to trust you . As far as I can throw you. Hee Hee, I made a funny!"

Three vampires wince as the toolish troll cackles.

Jane: " Are you ready? Our treasure awaits!"

Josefina : " Let's get to work then. Later Renata, Felix."

Jane : " If you two find anyone, I call dibs!"

Our charming foursome split into two groups and leave the moldering Hotel Tango. The ground shakes as Josefina skips off with Jane following.

NEXT: We return to Camp 29 Down. What caused the explosion? Who survived? Will the werewolves run out of cutoff jeans? Will Captain Russell find true love? Will the Schlep run out of booze? All these mysteries and more answered!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Nine

" It's not Gilligan's Island, or Fantasy Island or Treasure Island!" he declared.

" Then what island is it?" She queried earnestly.

" It's whatever island Shit Creek flows out into !"

Quotes from a conversation between Abby Fujimoto and Jacob Black.

Spinner, eyebrows threatening to fly off of his forehead as Holly J explains the source of the explosion to him : " You gotta be joking! A STILL?!"

Holly J, tossing her ponytail in a superior sort of way : "It's no joke. The Schlep talked our resident geniuses into making a still for him. He convinced them they'd get extra credit when we got rescued for it."

Daley , looking at her stepbrother Lex through smoke effected eyes, : " Lex, I can't believe you fell for that! Look at him, he's a raving drunk!"

The small, Hispanic Lex shrugs his shoulders, a rueful expression on his face. " Sorry Daley, it was just an interesting challenge. And we had all of the material from the plane and the fruits all around here. And then Connor said my design was flawed and I couldn't let that pass."

Connor:" It was flawed; my design was doing just fine until Claire had the idea to throw some jet fuel on the fire!" Gives Clarie a evil look, obviously fighting the urge to headbutt her.

Claire : " I was just trying to speed things up! The Schlep swore I'd do a months detention if we didn't have a batch ready by sundown!"

Spinner, grinning, : " Well little Edwards, you succeeded in speeding it up all right. Too bad you nearly burned the whole end of the island down. Would have if not for our new friends the Cullens and the Quaaludes."

They all turn and look at where the soot stained Cullens and werewolves are resting by the edge of the jungle.

It was fortunate they had arrived just as the plane exploded, as if in protest to the musical number they had performed. The power and speed of the supernatural tribe had just barely been enough to keep the blaze from killing them all. And they had several other problem to fight as well.

Captain Russell was heavily sedated. So was Leah Clearwater, who had imprinted on him. Esme Cullen was looking a lot more like a zombie than a vampire now; they'd wrapped her in vines and a very convenient pain of handcuffs Spinner had swiped from airport security , just for the heck of it. Carlisle was close at hand, obviously ready to throw his wife across the island to keep her from the odious but powerful blood of the pilot.

The expanded wolf pack was currently giving werewolf 101 to Eric and Ryan. Eric was adjusting fairly well, but Ryan had problems. Not the least of which was he had imprinted on Emmet Cullen, who most emphatically did not reciprocate the pink furred wolfs attention. His wife, Rosalie, thought it was hilarious, when she could be pried away from the POWER CLIQUE.

The POWER CLIQUE. That was the only suitable name for Paige , Rosalie, Sharpey and Taylor Hagen's group. If beauty could explode, they would have wiped out half the ocean. If attitude could explode, the Earth would have been doomed. They had had an hour's discussion on how gorgeous they were. And then they begun a love fest of gratuitous compliments that seem to go on forever.

Some of the others had made friends as well. Troy, Chad, and Gabriella had begun speaking to Edward, Bella and Nessie. It was a given that a song would be pulled forth at some point, to the horror of them all. Sav and Peter were on the fringe of the group as well. Even a red eyed Jackson was lurking there, under the watchful eyes of Jasper and Alice, who seemed to have taken a liking to the tall youth. So far, they'd taken down a dozen sharks out in the bay to keep the edge off of Jackson's newborn hunger.

The Schelp was unconscious. Fortunately for him, Alice had rescued him at the last second from for him, unfortunately for him, he had tried to grope the petite vampire. The lump on the side of his head told the world how she had reacted to it.

And Melissa Wu had vanished. No one had seen the raven haired young woman leave. All they knew was that once she had seen Jackson try to kill the Schlep, she had ran off , screaming incoherently. Lex Marin swore she was saying "Why him and not me!"; a cryptic comment, to say the least.

Several hours later, the leaders of the groups had gathered together to decide on a plan of action. Carlisle, Edward, Spinner, Paige, Daley, Nathan, Troy, Chad, Gabriella and Jacob stood in a circle, gazing down a slight incline on the disparate gathering.

Carlisle: " I'm afraid our problems are just starting; I'm almost positive there is a troll on this island."

Edward: " Are you certain Carlisle? A troll? How dreadful, if it were true."

Spinner, to Bella : " Is your old man always this dramatic?"

Bella, indigantly, : " He's NOT old! And thanks to him, I'll never be old. He's only seventeen!"

Spinner: " How long has he been 17?"

Bella, looking uncomfortable: " A while. About 90 years."

Spinner, a disgusted expression on his face : And how old are you?"

Bella: " Almost 19."

Spinner : " And how long have you been almost 19?"

Bella: " A couple of years now."

Spinner looks thoughtful, then disgusted: "He was ninety years older than you?! Man, and they keep calling Jake a pedowolf; what's that make Edward, a pedovamp?"

There is a unmistakable snickering from Jacob, most of the wolfs and Emmet at that. Jasper smirks. Edward hand his head. Bella rolls her eyes.

Daley, looking extremely uncomfortable with all the mythical activities surrounding them, : " A troll? Bad enough we have vampires who sparkle and werewolves who fall in love at first sight, but now we have to worry about a troll, too? And what's her messed up story? Does she glow in the dark, or break into showtunes for no apparent reason?" Glares at the East High students for a moment. They fall back from her not so evil glare. "What's next, leprechaun's?"

Jake, grinning: "If the Lucky Charms dude pops up, I'm refusing to go on in this story!"

Edward, a scared look on his face: " Jacob, my brother, my son, don't break the 4th Wall!"

Jacob, hanging his head: "Sorry about that markm57, adversary2113! You knowe us 'wolves and our authority issues! "

Carlisle, nastily:" Now that we're back in character...Yes, , there may be a troll on this island and if there is, we're all in trouble. Trolls are the evilest, foulest creatures to walk the Earth. They find fault where there is none. They criticise when praise should be hear. THey hate hu8man, vampires and werewolves. As well as everything else."

Spinner, shooting a mischievous look at Paige : " Sounds like someone I know." Winces as she slaps his head.

Jake : " Ok, so, they aren't nice. Do they have any special powers?"

Troy: " Do they sing or dance? "Cause **_I"m the singer and dancer around here!"_**

Chad, shaking his hair, : " Hey, I can dance circles around you Troy!"

Nathan : " There's a pretty picture!" Sarcasm drips from his voice as he looks at his virtual twin.

Gabriella , nervously tugging at her clothes as if she really wants to pull them off for no apparent reason : "I Am Scared."

Daley, unleashing her bitchiest tone yet: " Just don't sing about it!"

Gabriella : " You hartwell kids are so boring!"

Carlisle, impatiently : " I'm telling you, we have a problem!" Goes quiet as Emmet's voice can be heard in the background.

Emmet:' Dude, hunch once more and I swear I'll castrate you. With my teeth!"

Ryan: " Ooh, you're a kinky one! "

Rosalie : "Not too bright Emmet, threatening to use your teeeth on the queerwolf there!"

Edward: " We need to split up and search the island for this troll then. If we locate it, we can keep track. Jake's pack would be perfect for occupying it."

Jake : " Hey, we're werewolves, not nannies to a bunch of kids and whiny bloodsuckers!"

bella grins at Renesmee.

Nessie: " Do it fuzzy! Your goddess commands it!"

Jake, howling, " Dammit, if I weren't imprinted on you..."

Bella : "Then you'd be obssessed with me and I'd tell you to do it."

Jake walks off grumbling about the ingratitude of loved ones and how being a werewolf isn't as fun as it used to be.

NEXT- Another imprinting! And we check in on Aro at the used car lot!


End file.
